A Bystander’s Guide to True Blood’s Season 6 Finale

The condition for my watching True Blood this season was simple: Silence. So I told my fiance that I deserve a second watching session so that I could iterate my musings about the bewilderment of this program. You can’t NOT react when Eric rips off a mans genitalia and the camera proceeds to do a close-up on the dismembered member.

But I don’t get my wishes. I still couldn’t sit idly by and watch as this season monkeyfarted through everything I knew about order and chaos. I don’t know what it is about this show. It’s the most insane thing I’ve ever seen, but I can’t look away. I’ve made it through about the last three seasons, so this is going to be ignorant and oftentimes offensive. But not as offensive as this:

Here’s the live-blog style breakdown of the season six finale. Overall, it was bonkers, obscene and stuffed with off-putting surprises. Best season yet.

  • Like many female protagonists, I don’t see Sookie’s appeal to beefy guys like Alcide (except for her sexual fairy vibe, if that’s a thing). Regardless, why toss Alcide, who basically spent the whole season alienating himself from his wolf pack, in a docile environment? He’s a feral best, not a common lap dog. And now he has resurfacing feelings for Sookie? Use your turn signals, TB.
    Drugged Vamps
  • Not only is Jason my favorite character, but apparently the actor who plays him is an Australian yoga instructor. Matthew McConaughey has been dethroned from the enviable life of bro-dom.
    Jason Stacked
  • Oh, now Bill is feeling sentimental. This is the same garbage with Alcide. Two episodes ago, I thought he was going to obliterate the planet with Warlow’s sun-immunity blood. But Sookie, the second coming of Helen of Troy, makes hard bosses like Bill soft.
  • Saw that coming. Warlow, the perfect gentleman, is evil? WHY CAN’T SOOKIE JUST SETTLE DOWN?!
  • This is the first and only time in television history you will see daylight vampire volleyball. The mind reels. Also, Tara hasn’t had a line the entire season and I’m all of a sudden supposed to care for her rage. I guess she’ll have a bigger role next season, if the writers don’t kill her off this episode.
  • BILL SACRIFICED SOOKIE!? You really poo-spackled this situation Bill. You had one chance for redemption, but you have now solidified yourself as king of vampire pricks.
  • Operation Save Sookie, wardrobe courtesy of the old High School Musical set.
  • Adeline didn’t need to read Jason’s mind. Those puppy dog eyes are irresistible. Swoon.
  • Warlow is Loki. I got B-List Avenger villain vibes. Tom Hiddleston could play this role were is not so far past the Earth’s core beneath him.
  • Do girls like Dragonball Z? Because that what they’re watching. I guess the vampire/fairy drama separates it, but look at this:Kamehameha
  • Finally, a logical dilemma. Bravo, TB. A two-week old creature like Adeline would never have full control over her powers and therefore, without proper stimulus, would not know how to enter fairy world. Like in Chronicles of Narnia, how would the kid know how to use that sword? It’s bull.
  • That last paragraph was a waste because that one vampire chick basically gave Adeline on the job training. Why make a dilemma when it gets resolved six seconds later?
  • SICK EM, BILLITH!
  • Calling it now: Eric will save the day. Pun intended.
  • Glamouring is so lame. It needs limitations.
  •  Jason rules. But the random ghost appearance and abrupt resolution to the main antagonist do not. I have forgotten this scene entirely moments later.
    Jason Rules
  • The following image is True Blood in all its glorious essence
    E-Douche
  • OH NO, NOT ERIC! It’s totally his fault though.
  • This is surreal. We’re six months ahead, no one cares about Eric, and Bill Compton is a dignified author. So charming. He’s the Kanye West of vampires.
  • SOOKIE AND ALCIDE?! ERRONEOUS. This is absurd. They have been in one scene together in the last 20 episodes, so this makes even less sense than Eric strutting nude in the Himalayas with NO SHADE IN SIGHT. I’ve seen tickle fights with more order.
  • My biggest issue with this show, from the beginning, is the nature of vampire sex. It seemed appealing in the Underworld series, but this is just kinky in a borderline insane kind of way. In this particular scene, and for lack of a better term, how can you leave Jason hanging like that?
  • The preacher is telling everyone to engage and change seats at random. Sounds like a stunt I’d pull at a birthday party.
  • SIGNIFICANT FORESHADOW CHILD ALERT. (Edit: Nope. It was a worthless mingling probably to show that Sooki is some sort of reverent being despite her many, many shortcomings).
  • Sam Merlotte is now mayor. Only in True Blood. This dude has the credentials of a pack mule.
  • Sam tells everyone they must have a monogamous, healthy relationship with a feeding vampire to keep some virus contained or whatever. So basically, a vampire is assigned to milk mom, dad and little Joey for sustenance. I’d be down for that.
  • Most absurd character on television. If anyone from this show deserves a spin-off, it’s Lafayette.
    Lafayette
  • Last episode, a group of vampires got high on Warlow’s blood and massacred a whole fortress of vampire-hating agents in the most horrific way possible. Six months later, they’re bonding at a shin-dig over stuffed alligator. Seems plausible.
  • Tara’s momma! Obviously some significance there, but I haven’t been a fan long enough to care. Can’t believe Tara fed off her though. I couldn’t imagine sinking my teeth into my mom.
  • Jessica needs a bigger role in this show, and a better one for that matter. I’m sick of her constant emotional inner struggle and flimsy storylines injecting themselves into random portions of the show. So are she and lead-singer-of-vampire-band boy still a thing? And her wanting to protect Adeline seems fishy.
    Jessica
  • “You need a vampire in your life Sooki. More than anyone else here.” Oh, Bill. Lies you tell.
  • OH SIZZLE BUCKETS. ZOMBIE VAMPIRES. Like we needed another fictional race to add to this dying bonfire.
    Zombie Vamps
  • And, OF COURSE, “Radioactive,” the name of the episode, takes us out. I hope that’s the last I ever hear of that song. But not the last I see of this show.
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